


To live in a world of uncertainty

by MlNDTHEMOON



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Opinions, Rants, References to Depression, Self-Discovery, Self-Doubt, it's mainly some angsty edgy teen shit so yeah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:08:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27140873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MlNDTHEMOON/pseuds/MlNDTHEMOON
Summary: If you're feeling angsty and misunderstood... me too. Let's angrily rant together
Kudos: 3





	To live in a world of uncertainty

**Author's Note:**

> i just wanted to rant about something that's been wrinkling my brain for months  
> if you happen to be a psychologist can you tell me what does this say about me i'm going insane thank you

**TO LIVE IN A WORLD OF UNCERTAINTY.**

How is living in a world of uncertainty? You think that after all these years (that aren’t a lot, if you think about it) you’d grown accustomed to it. After all, as of late, you have had some changes in your life. And you have adapted to it fairly well. So it shouldn’t be a surprise to see that things in the inside can change as much or even more than the things on the outside. Are they really changing, though? Hasn’t it always been like this? You can’t really tell. There’s a lot of things you can’t tell now.

Alright, there is something you’re certain of. There’s something wrong with you. You don’t recall noticing this when you were younger, it’s part of the things that are constantly changing. You don’t know when you started noticing it, you remember being down some days but going back to normal in a few hours. “It’s part of living” they tell you, and it’s true. It is part of living. Until you start drawing the lines in your hands and wrists. Then you realize maybe being down very single day for a week isn’t “part of living”. But they don’t seem to realize that. They think telling you you’re not alone will shut down the screaming, will give you comfort. It doesn’t. What you hear is that this is part of living, that is a thing that can happen to everyone and, therefore, there is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. It means that maybe this is your fault. Maybe it’s your fault that you harmed yourself. Maybe it’s your fault the fact that you can’t keep up with your responsibilities anymore, because _it’s normal. Everyone goes through this._ And maybe there is nothing wrong with you and you’re just being weak and stupid and you’re overreacting and the worst thing, the worst thing that it could be: temporal.

You think you’d grown accustomed to a world of uncertainty, but you aren’t.

You refuse to accept that it’s your fault. You want -you _need-_ to believe that there is more to it than “it’s a normal thing that happens to everyone”. You want to believe that there is an actual factual explanation to the stuff going to your brain. Because here’s the thing about explanations: they don’t change. They aren’t fluid, they are factual. And you find comfort in that. You find comfort that there is a thing in your life that isn’t constantly changing, that maybe doesn’t happen to every person ever. You find comfort in the idea of _an answer._ An answer that makes sense, because it’s factual, and it can be proved.

So you do research. You read -as much as you can, cause apparently your short attention span is part of the new changes- and read and try to fit yourself in these new labels, cause you relate to them. You can find an explanation to your behavior that isn’t “this happens to everyone” or “it’s your fault” and you are satisfied. Right?

But as much as you try to fit yourself in these labels, you find out something: No matter how hard you try, you don’t entirely fit in one label or another. There is always something that doesn’t sound like you at all, even if the rest of the things do sound like you. And they tell you “it’s fine, you don’t have to check everything to fit in” but you know that’s not true. Because there are people that are _certain,_ that do fit all requirements, that do check all the boxes. And then you start to feel like you’re going insane.

Because you’re doing it again, you’re being stupid and overreacting. Because you have the answer, the actual factual explanation, and that explanation seems to be “There is nothing wrong with you”, Because to be certain you have to tick all the boxes but you aren’t one thing or another. And you refuse to accept this answer, because that would mean that everyone was right in the start, that it _is your fault._ But you can’t accept that. You feel like you’ll die if that’s the answer.

You’d rather live in this world of fluid labels and changing definitions than accept that maybe you’re the one to blame. Which is pretty weak, you think.

Except you wouldn’t, because after you’ve accepted that uncertainty will always be a thing in your life, you can’t live without finding the answer. You feel -you know- that this is the last piece of the puzzle. That if you find this out you might find happiness and stop being so restless. You think your last resort is asking for help, but you hold back. You’re insane, remember? To them there’s nothing wrong with you, you’ve made sure that they think you’re recovering perfectly. Also, this is a thing that happens to normal people, right? So why should you bother them with normal people problems? They could be going through the same stuff, for all you know. It’s best not to risk it. And, if there was the chance that there _is_ something wrong with you, the chance that you’re not insane, how would they treat you? Their way of perceiving you would change completely. How would they treat you?

You hope that someday, the screaming and the doubt will stop. For now, the only thing left to do is to keep searching, and pray that God has some mercy on your soul and give the answer you’ve been longing for so long.


End file.
